it's all about him

“...unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before."

I don't know how to write this blog without sounding being such a loser,well yes I am a loser if it's all about him. I was in Junior high when I saw him at our campus religious monthly activity, he is not the typical guy that you'd usually give your second look at, coz he is so simple that you won't barely notice him if not because he was assisting the priest. I must admit it wasn't love at first sight but rather it was a love that grew through time, coz prior to meeting him I had a huge crush with a different guy from my former school. If I remember it right that this feeling all started when a schoolmate asked me if I do like someone and I said yes and when asked to describe the guy it was his description that I bursted out,then it all turned so fast coz the next thing I knew I joined the Liturgical club of our school wherein our main task is to serve the Church everyday and when I say everyday that means from Monday - Saturday we would be giving our time to the Lord by serving the 6:30 am mass and then on Sunday every 10:30am, it was really a sacrifice for me not because it's him that I want to see to start my day right but also because waking up early is not my cup of tea,plus after the service we would just go directly to school and oftentimes I don't go home right away coz there are times wherein I also give my services to the 4:30pm mass, I remember joining the Grand Choir of the Church because the other club member joined the choir too, I remember my mom would scold me everytime I come home late due to practice or due to church service,so going back to him, without knowing my admiration turned  out to be having him as my inspiration(my ultimate crush), and that time autograph signing is so popular that I made a huge sacrifice with my baon coz I saved it to buy an autograph notebook just to have him sign and write down his little note for me,coz oh did I mention that he already knew that kinda like him?yes he knew  because of the freaquent teasing made by our common friend. From the start I knew that he has set his life for priesthood,with that being instilled on my head it was hard but I thought that my feelings for him will just pass by. It was summer of Senior high and I remember I was ironing our family's clothes(a chore I love doing), when I received a call from a common friend that he already went inside the seminary, I was shocked coz it was really unexpected  even if I knew it is bound to happen, I really felt sad that I can't help my tears from falling because I knew that my heart is broken at a young age, I was sad because a few days before that I noticed that we started to build a good friendship, and I was hoping that it would grow into a deeper relationship. I remember going to the Blessed Sacrament almost everyday and made a request to God that if he goes out of the seminary can he be mine, years passed and we all have moved on I went to college and he continued pursuing the path for priesthood we seldom see each other and if ever we do,we still share our customary hi and hello and must I say goodbye, time has passed I graduated college and got a work when I learned that he only finished the first phase of the journey and he has decided to leave the path for priesthood, upon knowing that I was confused of what to feel,whether should I be happy coz I know deep in my heart I'm hoping that there could be us or should be sad coz he lft the seminary,it really took me awhile to decipher what I really feel and when I did know what I should I feel, id ecided to keep it all to myself and just be there for him if he needs a friend. We rarely get to see each other and we both have our respective lives, I was in a long term relationship at that time and I knew from a friend that he was also into a relationship, but that doesn't stop me from liking him still,I never outgrew my feelings for him. I kept myself updated with his whereabouts and hoping that our paths would soon cross, I ended my relationship(not because of him), and I was courted twice around that time and they were all trurned down,not because i was being choosy,but rather because he was the basis of every guy who courted me,and apparently they were incomparable to him. Time has passed, when i suddenly received a text message from a common friend that they saw each other and that friend was telling me that he will him to our house and I felt elated only for awhile coz the next text message that I received was just to inform me that he has plans of settling down, I felt the world turned down upon me, I don't know what to do coz it was like a flashback of memories was shown right infront of me and that was when I realized how much he means to me, I texted all my close friends telling them of what I felt,at that time all I want to do is to air it all out,but I guess telling someone isn't just enough, I felt a tear will fall so I ran to the comfort room and let those tears fall.

I was so into him and my feelings was not even equated the same way, yes I'm deeply hurt that everytime I remember him getting married I just want to cry and burst it all out, I know I have no right to confront him of my misery coz it's not his fault not at all. They say love is letting go,well in a way it is true and with that being said I'm letting him go,sacrificing what I feel for him coz that's how much I love him.


Moving on is not as easy as thought it is, I know a few more tears will fall from my eyes,sleepless nights just thinking of him, but I know I can make it, don't know how soon but in time I know I'll get through this phase of life.



" I didn't lose him,. I let him go. I didn't get over him, I moved on. When you truly love someone, you never lose them or get over them, They'll always mean something to you."